I Don't Think The Crazy's Gone

For the last week and the next two weeks I have been working on this balancing act of weight maintenance. I have chosen a start date for my experiment and I don't want to skew the results. I don't want to gain weight because that would suck and just plain be counterproductive but I also don't want to loose weight yet because I am set on the idea of a structured experiment with a start date (though no particular end date). I want to track and measure my results in a determined and methodical way. Sure, I could start generally eating a little better, but then it would mess with the data. Although I really want to just start now, I am making myself wait. I am trying to keep the good habits that I usually have and still allow some of the bad ones even if I don't feel any particular desire for them anymore. I might just be a tad bit insane.

I did discover that sugar seems to contribute significantly to my anxiety levels. I know that many people out there are slapping their foreheads and thinking, "Well thank you Captain Obvious!" but firstly my superhero name is totally Sarcasto Girl, not captain obvious, and secondly, I had long suspected the connection, but had never been sugar free long enough and then back on sugar to see what a HUGE difference it really makes. Being anxious makes me want a soda…

Behold, the cycle of fat pants doom.

Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil. – Aristotle

In other news, I received a letter from my insurance today stating that I had won the Great Battle of Kendra got run over and needs her medical expenses paid. They paid up! I can now go back to my physical therapist. He has a hot French accent. There was also a super hot black guy there who was an assistant and who I got to work with frequently. I hope that he's still there. I had a secret crush on him.

"Beep Beep Beep… CRASH"

This is precisely what I heard yesterday at roughly 1:00pm. I of course knew what was going on and tried to search for the site of the car accident. It couldn't have been a very bad one but I find that I have a little more of a strange fascination with seeing the damage ever since I was run over. Yep, run over. I found where the site was but couldn't actually see the damage. I couldn't bring myself to walk down to where it had happened because I didn't want to be "one of those people," so instead I decided that I would go get in my car and drive around the block as if it were the most normal thing in the world and then park in the parking garage under my building.

It was a bit of a letdown. There was no cool rubble on the street or anything else, just two very slightly crunched cars. I don't know why I do this, it isn't as if I like to relive the experience of my tires crushing my flesh and feeling the weight of my car on my legs and then torso. I used to wake up from nightmares of it happening again and I even get skittish when I am outside moving vehicles. Even when my own car moves slightly from inside movements of a passenger or something similar I have the urge to yelp. I don't anymore, but I still want to.

I really think that we should judge a book by it's cover. That is the point of a cover after all. Publishers use the cover as a marketing tool. It lets you know what the book is about and the general feel of it. It's true, sometimes they don't do a very good job of portraying what is between those covers, but I still think that it is generally safe to judge a book by it's cover. If we weren't supposed to all books would just be white covers with the name stamped on the front or something like that.

I don't, however, think that you should judge a person by their bookshelf. I'm guily of this. The first thing that I scan when I enter someone's living space is their bookshelf. It is very educational. I then make the stupid mistake of making judgements about the person by what the bookshelf contains. Not mean judgements persay, but still I categorize them in my mind. (Bad Kendra!)

I was looking at my own bookshelf the other day thinking about how most people have dozens and dozens of books that they haven't read and will never read. I am prod to say that I am not one of those people. This is because most of my books are in storage and all that is actually out on my bookshelf are the books I have bought in the last few months. They are the ones that I am working my way through. In storage is another story. I have a general rule for my books that says that I must have read at least half of them before I buy a new book. Normally I am good with this rule and obey it, which means that I am constantly counting my books, which I have read, and which I haven't... (obsessive much?) Right now I am not following that rule because my favorite book format is in danger of Barnes and Noble deciding not to print them anymore. I have been buying as many of them as I can and am now trying my best to dig into them.

So why in the world and I talking about this today? I went to Half Price Books two days in a row and STRUGGLED not to buy several books that I really wanted. I didn't do it, but it was a close call.

Strange to see things from the other side…

Today was my first day back in classes after a year of hiding in my Hobbit Hole and relearning how to live and function. The only two classes that I have in a classroom this quarter are choir and private lessons for piano and music theory. As I was walking into choir today I had a very strange feeling that I'd been there before but things seemed a little different this time. Things were different. Today I did something I've never done in my life. I went and sat in the soprano section.

I've spent my whole musical career as an alto, and then a mezzo (still first alto sometimes on loan as a mezzo soprano in ensembles), but never a soprano. I have to admit I liked it. I never realized how much easier it is being a soprano because you get the melody, but it is also a better place in my range and it just felt good.

After class I had lunch with my mother and we discussed that year I mentioned at the top. I told her it was like kicking down my castle made of blocks so that I could start again and build a better one. I like that analogy and I think that it's true. I spent so much time just trying to keep things together and functioning that I didn't realize that I didn't actually have to do that and that I would be much happier not doing it. I am allowed to live where I am and not at the point where I should be. Life is so much better these days even if I am not where I always wanted to be. It's okay. I have time.

I need to start saving a little money, though, because today reminded me of how much I need to start working with a voice teacher again. There is some serious work to be done.

So, last night was a complete failure when it came to going to sleep at a proper time. I haven't really made much progress on any of the other goals I have yet.

I had a bit of a realization yesterday evening. My father doesn't think that I can succeed in anything other than standard 9-5 (or 9-3) sort of work. I was telling him yesterday about my plans for the next few months and he interrupted me and asked why I don't just get some job teaching something. He's also the man who used to love the quote "Those who can, do; those who can't, teach." Thanks dad, it's good to know that you believe in me. I'm not sure if I care or not, I've always suspected that he felt this way about all of his daughters and since he's never achieved anything remotely important in his life and yet still feels self important. He is a narcissistic alcoholic with no life outside of work and that bottle of whiskey.

I don't honestly know whether this is discouraging or whether it makes me more determined. I hope for the later but I feel more of the former. I'm going through a time of emotions tiredness. I'm not depressed, I'm just tired. I'm trying to figure out how to go about making my life not suck. (Not that it does currently suck) I wish that I had something that I could fall back on, some security, but I have none and I need to learn to create my own security in some ways. Some security just has to come from faith.

Well, since one of my goals for 2010 was to make weekly goals, it seems like a pretty good time to do so for the upcoming week. I wasn't exactly specific, though, about what sort of goals or how many, so I will just have to wing it for this week.

1. Research Nutrition Plans and pick one - Yes, I am referring to what most call diets, but because I am trying to avoid the mentality of going ON a diet.
   
2. Get my classes in order and get started! – I've already registered tentatively, but I registered on purpose for classes that I knew I didn't want to take so that I could switch later. I had to be in something to be enrolled and if I have to end up taking those classes I won't mind, but they aren't really in the plan.
   
3. Go to sleep by 2am – This one is extremely difficult for me. It shouldn't be, but it always is.
   
4. Finish cleaning my room... Yeah.
   
5. Mail in request for Experian Credit Report
   

Well, I think that five is enough for my first week.

I made progress already on my 2010 goals! (BTW How wierd does it feel to type 2010???) I got copies of two out of three of my credit reports. Awesome. Well not that they were awesome, but awesome that I completed part of an item on my list.

It's been a really busy New Year already. I am looking at a new place to live that I really like the idea of but I don't know if it will work out yet or not. Oddly I am glad and relieved to have the others who live here back from their trip. I thought I liked living alone but it turns out that I am not so fond of it. I guess that as a social creature I need to have people around me even if they annoy me to no end.

While they were gone my sister was staying with me and I think that it's safe to say that my faith has taken a turn for the better. We had a conversation on the way to my other sister's house about why I stopped believing this time and despite those obstacles not changing, I realize that they are not deal breakers in the issue of faith. It's life things that I need to learn to deal with. I will post more about this later.

I find myself strangely content at this time.