Throughout my life I've had one major goal: Don't disappoint people. I've joked often about setting expectations low so that you can always meet them but this isn't what I mean. In how I live, how I think, how I work, and how I make my decisions there's always an element of who will be disappointed by what I choose and who will be glad. Even while I'm in times of turmoil I don't do the things that I really want to do or need to do because I'm afraid of who it might disappoint.
A few weeks ago I got drunk for the first time. It wasn't a big deal and I hated most of the experience but it was also so freeing to do something and not think about who was going to be disappointed in me. Until later. When I told some of my friends about that party, they were, in fact, disappointed in me.
I want to be a Christian but I also want to process things and do things in my way, not the mainstream way. I know we're all supposedto be good and well behaved but trying to fit in these bounds have been suffocating me. There are some things that I just seem to see fundamentally differently from other Christians.
Yes, I know God hates drunkenness but Jesus provided wine at a party where people were already drunk. Yes, I know that we are called to modesty but the definition of modesty is culturally determined. Nudity doesn't bother me, small amounts of clothing don't bother me. Maybe it's from nine years as a dancer but I just don't see it as immodest unless you are dressing to bring attention to certain body parts and flaunting it. Yes, I know there are so many things I'm supposed to do differently than I do but I'm just not there yet.
Maybe I have trouble believing because I'm too busy thinking about what I should be thinking, doing, believing, saying, etc and not allowing myself to actually think, do, believe, say, etc.
I'm Sorry To Disappoint You
Have I Become Cruel?
I'm sure that some will understand and others will think that I am a bitch. I feel a little of both. I've been frustrated with my family and it's gotten worse in the last little while. I know that we're all a little screwed up and I've had my momemts too but I'm wondering if my burnout with them is becoming unhealthy apathy. I just watched my fall down drunk dad... well... fall down drunk. I watched. He struggled to get up and I watched. He fell again and I watched. He laid on the floor and I watched. He pulled himself up on the couch painfully slow and I watched. I didn't want to help him, I'd done it enough times. He got himself to his room and is in bed now but I'm still feeling guilty.
A few days ago I called one of my sisters a perpetual mess. She is a perpetual mess but I know I shouldn't have said that. Some of it is her fault but some isn't. No one realized for a long time that she had bi-polar disorder. Things have gotten so much better since then but it feels like we are still always picking up the pieces.
Another sister who is my "Responsible Sister" is also having problems. I've never really minded helping her because she's helped me but by the end of this time, it made me a little angry. First it was needing $400, that's fine, I can help. Then it was another $300, still fine, I know you're trasitioning. Then another $300, okay, lets get through this. $140 so she can register for a test for a certification so she can get a really good job, alright, study hard. She needs $300 more because she didn't pay attention to her spending and overdrafted her account several times over. Now I'm a little mad.
My mother's husband keeps taking my car without asking. Now, I have let them use it a few times and I work and park right down the street from their apartment. I've had them keep a key just in case of emergency but I think that's not such a good idea anymore. I don't live with them, they do not pay for my insurance or gas, they did not buy the car for me.
So there it all is. Am I a bitch or just burnt out?
