I Don't Think The Crazy's Gone

I haven't actually abandoned this blog but I have been focusing mostly on my weight loss blog instead. 30lbs later, I'm thinking about some of the bigger issues in life. Yes, there are things out there bigger than my ass.

The nature of truth and reality, just to name one, is of course much bigger. I've been in a existential meltdown for roughly the last three years and it got worse this year. Maybe I'm making progress though. It hit me this morning, the point at which I am now. I believe again but I'm not ready yet to actually call myself a Christian again. I believe the word view and the theology but I'm just not ready to give myself up. I want my life to be my own. I guess that this is really a trust issue. Deep down I still fear the cruelty I have been through in my life and that God will deal with me with that same cruelty. I don't want it.

Sempre Libera has been my motto yet Sempre Fedele has been the cry of my heart. I haven't been able to reconcile the two.