I Don't Think The Crazy's Gone

Throughout my life I've had one major goal: Don't disappoint people. I've joked often about setting expectations low so that you can always meet them but this isn't what I mean. In how I live, how I think, how I work, and how I make my decisions there's always an element of who will be disappointed by what I choose and who will be glad. Even while I'm in times of turmoil I don't do the things that I really want to do or need to do because I'm afraid of who it might disappoint.

A few weeks ago I got drunk for the first time. It wasn't a big deal and I hated most of the experience but it was also so freeing to do something and not think about who was going to be disappointed in me. Until later. When I told some of my friends about that party, they were, in fact, disappointed in me.

I want to be a Christian but I also want to process things and do things in my way, not the mainstream way. I know we're all supposedto be good and well behaved but trying to fit in these bounds have been suffocating me. There are some things that I just seem to see fundamentally differently from other Christians.

Yes, I know God hates drunkenness but Jesus provided wine at a party where people were already drunk. Yes, I know that we are called to modesty but the definition of modesty is culturally determined. Nudity doesn't bother me, small amounts of clothing don't bother me. Maybe it's from nine years as a dancer but I just don't see it as immodest unless you are dressing to bring attention to certain body parts and flaunting it. Yes, I know there are so many things I'm supposed to do differently than I do but I'm just not there yet.

Maybe I have trouble believing because I'm too busy thinking about what I should be thinking, doing, believing, saying, etc and not allowing myself to actually think, do, believe, say, etc.