I Don't Think The Crazy's Gone

So, last night was a complete failure when it came to going to sleep at a proper time. I haven't really made much progress on any of the other goals I have yet.

I had a bit of a realization yesterday evening. My father doesn't think that I can succeed in anything other than standard 9-5 (or 9-3) sort of work. I was telling him yesterday about my plans for the next few months and he interrupted me and asked why I don't just get some job teaching something. He's also the man who used to love the quote "Those who can, do; those who can't, teach." Thanks dad, it's good to know that you believe in me. I'm not sure if I care or not, I've always suspected that he felt this way about all of his daughters and since he's never achieved anything remotely important in his life and yet still feels self important. He is a narcissistic alcoholic with no life outside of work and that bottle of whiskey.

I don't honestly know whether this is discouraging or whether it makes me more determined. I hope for the later but I feel more of the former. I'm going through a time of emotions tiredness. I'm not depressed, I'm just tired. I'm trying to figure out how to go about making my life not suck. (Not that it does currently suck) I wish that I had something that I could fall back on, some security, but I have none and I need to learn to create my own security in some ways. Some security just has to come from faith.

Well, since one of my goals for 2010 was to make weekly goals, it seems like a pretty good time to do so for the upcoming week. I wasn't exactly specific, though, about what sort of goals or how many, so I will just have to wing it for this week.

1. Research Nutrition Plans and pick one - Yes, I am referring to what most call diets, but because I am trying to avoid the mentality of going ON a diet.
   
2. Get my classes in order and get started! – I've already registered tentatively, but I registered on purpose for classes that I knew I didn't want to take so that I could switch later. I had to be in something to be enrolled and if I have to end up taking those classes I won't mind, but they aren't really in the plan.
   
3. Go to sleep by 2am – This one is extremely difficult for me. It shouldn't be, but it always is.
   
4. Finish cleaning my room... Yeah.
   
5. Mail in request for Experian Credit Report
   

Well, I think that five is enough for my first week.

I made progress already on my 2010 goals! (BTW How wierd does it feel to type 2010???) I got copies of two out of three of my credit reports. Awesome. Well not that they were awesome, but awesome that I completed part of an item on my list.

It's been a really busy New Year already. I am looking at a new place to live that I really like the idea of but I don't know if it will work out yet or not. Oddly I am glad and relieved to have the others who live here back from their trip. I thought I liked living alone but it turns out that I am not so fond of it. I guess that as a social creature I need to have people around me even if they annoy me to no end.

While they were gone my sister was staying with me and I think that it's safe to say that my faith has taken a turn for the better. We had a conversation on the way to my other sister's house about why I stopped believing this time and despite those obstacles not changing, I realize that they are not deal breakers in the issue of faith. It's life things that I need to learn to deal with. I will post more about this later.

I find myself strangely content at this time.

1. Debt Control
   
   1. Get credit status and stay on top of it – I don't even know where I am at the moment
      
   2. Pay off all credit card leftovers – This shouldn't be too bad
      
   3. Pay off the misc debt – Who knows what the heck random things I screwed up
      
   4. Take a chunk out of medical bills – I just finally got the insurance forms filled out for this whole issue, so that is progress
      
2. Weight
   
   1. 100 lbs (Real Goal) or 50 lbs (Backup because of my poor track record)
      
3. Health (Not Weight Related)
   
   1. Get sleep under control – Insomnia is my superpower
      
4. Living Situation
   
   1. Move somewhere I like better – I am looking online at different places, but I haven't done any of the real work yet
      
5. Make mini monthly and weekly goals
   
   1. I need to do this because it will help me to achieve the other goals
      
6. School
   
   1. Start again – Just work for credits and GPA
      
7. Music
   
   1. Start again – Work with a voice teacher again (Training is essential)
      
   2. Start working on Music Theory
      
   3. Piano Proficiency
      
8. Vanity
   
   1. Whiten Teeth – Not that there's anything against the neon yellow I currently sport
      
   2. Maintain nice eyebrows – I'm tired of looking like a yeti (Are they even hairy?)
      
9. Travel
   
   1. Leave the country – Go somewhere… anywhere…
      
   2. Get a Passport again
      
10. Job
    
    1. Approach K********* about managing a campaign – Mo money = better
       
    2. Possibly get a second gig… maybe, depending on how the campaigns go
       

I have been trying to figure out more ways to do my eye makeup because I generally do the same thing every day and it gets a little boring. I just bought this palette http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P242808&categoryId=C12001 and I love it. It is very well pigmented and blends very nicely. The brushes are high quality and are quite soft. I don't tend to use the eyeliner because it doesn't seem to give as much color as the shadows do, so instead I just use a liner brush with the darker colors for a nice effect. Because the colors are all quite shimmery you do get a good deal of fall out and dust on your undereyes, but I found that a once over with my tinted moisturizer after doing my eyes cleaned it up nicely. It has great staying power. It lasts all day and looks fresh. It didn't crease once since I've used it. That is an achievement.

But I'm not.

Today has been one of those brooding days. I spent nearly the whole of it wondering what I really want in life, what I really believe, and what I should do about it all. This, of course, means that anything that should be done about it doesn't actually get done because of the brooding.

I always seem to have two people fighting within me, dueling over each and every issue in life. On one side is the devout Christian who was ready to give up everything, move to the jungle and become a missionary, one the other side is a champagne drinking, diamond wearing gold digger who is ready to put on her new stilettos and head to the opera... or rather star in the opera... (Since they are internal waring figments of my imagination I figure that I get a little lisence for embellishments on my talents.)

There, though, lies a common problem with me. Either way, my ambitions exceed my talents (or at least my discipline).

I suppose if I am honest, if I felt no obligation to any outside forces, I would be an opera singer. It's only the sometimes faith and feeling that I should be serving rather than singing that keeps me from doing so... that and discipline as previously mentioned.

I have the strangest feeling that nobody will ever read this post and that this Blog will be completely deserted by March. In a nutshell, it will go the way of every other journal, blog, diary, and general long term project that I have ever had. What makes me think that this will turn out differently? Nothing. It probably won't, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't try anyway.

I don't even have a particular topic about which I want to Blog at the moment... no, I'm lying. The problem is that I have too many topics about which to Blog and I can't decide on one. I have new ideas all the time for things about which I could write, but I generally don't.

Here is a general list:
1) Life as a fatty, or as I just learned the new term tonight... BBW (snicker...)
2) New Makeup that I am trying - I love to experiment with new brands and looks despite the fact that I generally go without much of any makeup.
3) Makeup and Brand critiques
4)Faith... or lack there of
5) Plain old thoughts and feelings
6) What I am reading right now - There are many literary Blogs that I greatly admire, none of which do I probably have the intellectual power to equal
7) Crochet Projects - I officially just lost all of any perceived coolness
8) Fashion and stuff like that

That wasn't a very good list, but it will have to do.